Yesterday evening there was a thread of scrumnorris going over twitter. Since these messages were in German, let me translate them.
- Chuck Norris is ScrumMaster and ProductOwner – simultaneously.
- Chuck Norris can do 6-month sprints.
- Chuck Norris wears Timeboxershorts.
- Chuck Norris does not move story cards, he moves the taskboard.
- Chuck Norris does not estimate, he knows.
- Chuck Norris pairs alone.
- Chuck Norris starts project with a Roundhouse-Kickoff.
- Chuck Norris is allowed to appear late at the stand-up.
- Chuck Norris sits on the stand-up meeting.
- Chuck Norris has implemented everything at the planning meeting.
- Chuck Norris does not estimate user stories, user stories estimate him. (This doesn’t translate well.)
- Chuck Norris writes the code first, then the test.
- Chuck Norris is not afraid of bugs, bugs are afraid of him.
- Chuck Norris does not do Kanban. He does not know limits.
- Chuck Norris does not pull, he pushes.
- When Chuck Norris says “done”, then it’s “done”.
- Chuck Norris does not deploy, he develops on the production environment.
- Just Chuck Norris knows, that a real burn-down requires napalm.
- Chuck Norris has no burn-down chart. Around him everything is already burnt down.
- Chuck Norris answers just two questions on the stand-up meeting. Chuck Norris does not know obstacles.
- Chuck Norris does not prioritize the backlog.
- Chuck Norris takes two baby-steps at once.
- Chuck Norris does not use test-driven development. Chuck Norris always drives.
- Chuck Norris is the prioritized backlog.
Any additions?
Additions since I put my blog up thus far:
One addition since yesterday:
Chuck Norris’ unit tests pass, before he has written the code.
Priceless – thanks for translation!
Printing them and putting on the wall for all to read.
Tests doesn’t fail in front of Chuck Norris
Change: Chuck Norris writes the code first, then the test.
TO: Chuck Norris writes the code first, never the test(He doesn’t need to test at all).
Chuck Norris is ScrumMaster without being certified.
it’s so good…
Chuck Norris is Agile.
Chuck Norris doesn’t do iterative development, it’s right first time, forever.
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From the French blog who sent the pingback from comment 9:
Chuck Norris sidekicks chickens while eating fresh bacon at the stand-up
Chuck Norris developed his own crib in one iteration, right after birth
When Chuck Norris walks by, tests don’t run, they die in fear
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Aren’t these actually Jeff Sutherland facts? http://jeffsutherlandfacts.wordpress.com/
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Hallo an Euch.
Danke für den gut geschriebenen Beitrag.
Werde jetzt öfters mal vorbei schauen.(Drohung HEHE)
Ist gebookmarked.
Bis denne.
Peter
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a coding phase. Nothing phases him.
Chuck Norris does work –life balance upside down on one finger.
Chuck Norris doesn’t refactor because he built it right the first time.
Sustainable pace for Chuck Norris is 41 hours per day every day.
Chuck Norris values people over process and himself over people.
Chuck Norris’ design docs have entire religions formed around them.
Chuck Norris does continuous integration once every 5 years.
The only thing Chuck Norris needs to demo to the customers is a flying elbow to the bridge of their nose.
For Chuck Norris, the simplest thing to make a test pass is always a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can do waterfall and agile at the same time as also resucing hostages from a terrorist camp.
(ok, I’m done)
We verified on supercomputer specially built for that (Deep Thought), and actually:
“Sustainable pace for Chuck Norris is _42_ hours per day every day.”
Hehe,
really cool Jokes!!!
Thanks a Lot.
Frank
“Chuck Norris doesn’t do documentation. He stares down the code until it tells him everything he wants to know.” =)
Chuck Norris doesn’t support his team. He is the team.
There is only one ways to build a software, the way Chuck Norris does it.
With Chuck Norris in a team, people think faster.
With Chuck Norris in a team, people don’t need to think.
Chuck Norris sees much more than the whole.
Chuck Norris does not allow Scope Creep, issues only get smaller.
Chuck Norris doesn’t run tests. Tests run from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ is the single un-wringable neck.
Chuck Norris doesn’t refactor the code.. His code becames a refactor pattern..
Chuck Norris does performance tests without additional tools. And they always finish as DOS attack..
Originally phrase “Wake up, Neo. The Matrix has you. ” was “Wake up, Matrix. Chuck Norris has you”
Chuck Norris doesn’t apply SCRUM he creates it.
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Chuck Norris is a master of PDD (Politically Driven Development)
Chuck Norris does not read manifesto, he manifests himself.
Hi Markus,
It was bound to happen, someone thinking of Chuck Norris as a ScrumMaster.
Here’s one for you:
Chuck Norris is always right (and not the client)! (That’s a revenge for a every project manager out there).
Guess you could do the same with Jack Bauer:
Jack Bauer sprint is 24 hours long.
Jack Bauer tasks do not last longer than 45 minutes.